opening up

Numbingly chill silences open up
I am screaming my internal monologue
I feel like my lungs are being crushed
And my heart beats to a song i don’t know
My soul has been banned from reality
Do not blame me, i beg you
Do not blame me
I have already paid the price with blood and tears and sleepless nights
I’m out here screaming,
Dreaming of being heard
Understood but not hurt.
The trails that map my mind will never make sense to anyone but me
I know I sound dramatic but does that make me less of a person?
Girls will be girls
With echoing giggles and frantic phone calls
And I will love just a little too hard
I’m sorry my commitment scared you
But I am the one who should’ve been scared
When you laid your hands on me in the name of love
I gave myself wholeheartedly to you
And maybe that's why I feel as if I have nothing left
My ribs protect only the absence of you
A cold draft is moving in
And I am sick
My parents say I’m boring, I’m uninspiring
I say I’m worn down! Help me, I am tiring!
I am waiting for the feeling of feeling
I feel like im waiting for something bad to happen
I am standing on the ocean floor
On a sunken ship
Wonder if the next current will drown me
For years I’ve been on this ship ye

People still think it’s “just a phase, you’ll grow out of it, everyone's sad sometimes”
The thing is I’m not just sad
My sad is a disease that reaches down and steals from the depths of me
I thought it would make me free
But instead my body has become lead
A lead bullet placed in my head
Placed by the one who called me friend
Do any of my friends actually like me?

Conceited I’m sorry and see through webs
Flies buzzing their uncertainty
How do i trust when I’ve been hit my trucks
Driven by the most poisonous
Beautiful spiders
That pressed their lips against mine
And whispered
Trust me

Jason Carney