Blessing E.

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Dear my future love, 

My name is Blessing
God’s favor and protection 
I hope to be that for you

First off 
I’m the worst type of lover 
The one that gives her love to the hilt but I’ll make you work for it
Forcing you to travel through a maze of trust hoping you find where my love lays waiting
But don’t forget its under pressure that diamonds grow
And it just so happens that diamonds are my birthstone

I’ll repel you away like we are south magnetic poles
But i need you to be my North

I put up barriers to protect my sheltered heart from love’s travesty 
Even though i know the storm will hit me eventually 

But being precautious has always been my thing

Impeding myself from your sincerest admiration 
Because i’ve never been loved and have never come close to loving, 
So all of this is new

You are my Caribbean
New territory 
but unlike Christopher, I’m disinclined to discover

this heart’s vast lands are unmarked terrain fragile and not to be given to just anyone

Maybe that’s why I’ll probably run you off before you have a chance to see that I’m everything
you need

But I’m willing to try
As long as I’m trying with you

If I become distant, know it’s never your fault
I’m taking time to polish into who you deserve 
constantly trying to better myself for the both of us

So please take your time with me
I promise it will reap abundantly in the end

I’m hard headed and have sizable opinions 
I’ll dominate every tête-à-tête
excuse me in advance for not letting you get a word in
Eventually I’ll let you speak

Watch how you speak to me 
Even though I spring forth with confidence I am easily broken
Especially when your opinion matters most

I’ve never been good at accepting praise

because I never see the wonderful things people see in me
 in myself

So understand i will put up a fight when you compliment me
But still tell me how beautiful I am and how lovely my smile is because though it may not escape my lips 
Your words mean everything

Remind me how much you love me
Not because you haven’t shown it through your actions 
but my demons will constantly fill my head with a perception of the person i fear you will become
 
One who’s love was never genuine 

Never lie to me
I rather deal with the pain associated with your truth then the pain of your false tongue 
It will always cut me deeper

On no occasion should you let our problems draw a distance between us
I am your refuge 
Your peace
Your home
I will be there even through our combat

I’ll share part of myself but don’t abuse the part  I give to you
Don’t make it constantly questioning whether it’s loved by you
Because I give it in full confidence that you will nurture it like it was your own flesh and bone

I hate my dynamic 
My voice is the scratched chalkboard to my ears but i hope you cherish its sound and it becomes
your favorite tune
Constantly ringing in you mind

When you look at me, I pray you don’t see me for what I think I am but for what I want to be.
Because I’ve never been good at giving myself the credit I deserve

All I really ask I that you love me 
like I wish to love myself
Whole heartedly and unconditionally

Though I shouldn’t depend on your love it’s all that keeps me aliveKnowing that there is someone capable of filling me with all the happiness I’ve tried to search for
in myself 
but I’m still having trouble finding

Save your heart for me
Do not come and find me if you are not ready to completely dedicate yourself to me
Nothing would hurt me more than watching you fall into the hands of another. 

Take my constant gazes as a profession of my love
Your allure has me fixed 
Seeing as my sight has been set on something worthy of all my time 

I hope to one day be the topic of conversation between you and your mother
Telling her all the small things you admire about me
In a daydream as your rattle on about 
This honeymoon phase we never want to leave 

Though I’ve never meet you,
I know you must be the most beautiful creature to ever walk this earth 
I dream of you everyday and the way I envision you 
is like heaven in human form

So please be all of this for me
To my first and only love
I hope to see you outside of my dreams.

Jason Carney