Jordan V.

never

listen dad
it’s about time we had that talk
that ‘why didn’t i ever matter’ talk
now hear me out

i know you’re gonna say oh darling,
you have always,
always mattered
you look at me in my big dumb brown eyes with your crooked smile
and tell me i’m the most special girl in the world
and i almost believed you
i’m gonna have to call your bluff, dad
i never was

i wasn’t special enough
to stop me from seeing my own father push my mother to the ground
and for you to have the audacity to tell me i was too young to remember.
and yet i still found a way to love and forgive the monster in my closet.

i wasn’t special enough
for you to love me past your ignorance
when you placed cameras in my room at my 14th birthday sleepover
you wanted to catch me touching girls
why did you want to see me touching girls

i wasn’t special enough
when i told you i didn’t feel like i belonged at a place filled with so much hate
and then dragged me into the church and made me get on my knees to pray
i’d close my eyes in prayer and let the tears
wash my innocence away

i wasn’t special enough
even a year ago i was still the daddy’s girl
begging for your forgiveness
begging to be accepted
remember that, dear old pops?
when i confessed to my faults and pointed out yours
do you remember?
i wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t.
you never could play anything but the victim.
you could never face the fact that you were in the wrong
you were the one with the knife in my heart
and i smiled while my chest bled.

i still wasn’t special
even on my 16th birthday
(which you insisted was an important milestone)
clearly not for you
since you didn’t ask once how i’ve been doing
‘how has the last two years been baby girl?
you doing okay?’

let me answer that for ya, dad
its been hell.
and i don’t even believe in hell,
which you surely know
and surely don’t like the idea of
but
i’ve been the worst.
awful day after awful day
alone
you couldn’t put your pride aside to treat me like actually matter
you couldn’t put yourself aside
to be a father.
i haven’t been able to love myself ever since i realized you never did.

why wasn’t i special enough, dad?
i guess i never was.

Jason Carney