Lexus P.

To Cope and hide your internal loneliness and not be weak

Step 1 understand you will always be alone. Understand you’re not normal. Your weird not just any weird but weird enough, even weird people feel uncomfortable around you and everyone avoids you because of the red flags you create at ends of sentences understand this is something you’ve known since you were a child when you sat alone at the end of the tables in children church and wait for your friend to come always say “ I'm waiting for her to come so we can sit together..” .. if she came... but it’s okay because you’re so hopeful you never look like you’re a sad puppy as you wait for your play pal

Step 2 listen to music. Listen to it all the time so you can be able to not look weird when your some were alone with your hoodie on so no one can see your face so no one can talk to you because they’re just a social butterfly with the idea they will make a new friend but will soon leave with a “ ... oh... well I gtg” and never look back, listen to music cause it’s the only thing that will tell you how you fell and make you feel better because it relaxes you and takes up a bit of the hours you spend alone with yourself

Step 3 know you don’t have real friends and you never will and will never know when you’re really experience an actual friendship or not, know when they question you about this they will be hurt and defensive but not know of your birthday or favorite color they won't know information you withheld because with that information they are now on a  child’s high chair and the expectations of them to be a cherry excited toddler happy to see you when it’s your birthday and once put in this high chair this adds standards , standards too high of an altitude that makes their nose bleeds and you clean it up, a clean-up on aisle high standards you avoid because your used to disappointment and “ change of plans”  so you don’t feel bad you keep everyone at arm’s length but you know deep down in your soul no matter the group size your always alone and fall behind and lost within a crowd but keep up so when they look for you, you appear and they say “ lol oh” and keep going

Step 4 in your free time you read because it’s a new fantasy world and someone’s life you get to look into, this makes you feel somewhat better to get to be included in its imaginational informative world and story loop of life, you can look at Instagram but don’t look at accounts of people your age because they’ve been around the world and have a normal adventurous life so this makes you question why you didn’t do more or you can sleep because you don’t have anything better because you don’t have your school clubs or work at the time so you sleep because it’s easier to sleep and tack off the most hours

Step 5 if you feel really lonely you don’t tell anyone or talk, you just lay there or listen to music if it’s bad you hold your pet rabbit a rabbit you wish was a cat because you like cats because they’re almost like humans and there so warm and fleshy you can hold them and not fell the cold loneliness but if you feel like shit you can have a conversation with someone but you have to act normal and pay more attention to them to distract yourself

Step 6 Do not seem weak or sad because you prefer to be alone because no matter what way you look at it its better than you to be surrounded in a plane of friends and feel alone and morally nauseous not because of so many people and shady turbulence but because you know everyone’s having fun and your just the designated caption because when you mention your bored, and their low grade strive to entertain you will drive the aircraft into thunderous storms so you find subtle content in a private solitary jet

Step 7 you have to have an overactive imagination because it makes things a little bit more fun because you can sit quietly and makes things up just like when you were a child and made up all of your imaginary friends like goo in fosters home for imaginary friends because it’s fun to make so many creations and new things the way you want

Step 8 when your alone and holding your rabbit doesn’t help and your lay there, you can’t call your friend, you can’t call the guy who opened your eyes to the parasites your imaginative clouds on your eyes made look like nice and loyal friends you can’t call him because your both lonely and stubborn but worse because you both can sustain loneliness so you can’t say “ please just stay on the phone” and to prevent this weakness you can’t call but your worse because you have to piss people off because when you talk to him or anyone with a chance at a happy life you have to piss them off and push them away because then they will be able to be happy and you want them to be happy so when you finally find the person who made you feel less self-conscious after almost a year of being gone in commas you have to let him leave because you know if you hold onto him you’ll emotionally drain him like you drain everyone else so you don’t call anyone so you know you’re not weak so you know you can take it and take more

Step 9 you think about a future were your alone you do this to be sure you can really handle it and you think about when you were a little kid and talk about how you wanted to and were going to die alone as a happy old cat lady you think about all the years you’ve carried it and added so many more animals that when you  think of it or say it on the drop of a hat  I WANNA DIE ALONE AS AN OLD HAPPY CAT LADY WITH 3 DOGS 2 CATS 1 CHINCHILLA  1 RABBIT 1 WHITE MOUSE  A FERRIT SOME FISH AND MAYBE A PARROT! And the consideration of large exotic animals ...  a future you learn to be content with a future you know has 2 outcomes but you know better than to have high expectations and plans in life

Step 10 you learn to not care and not think about everything, you learn in the end its better because it doesn’t hurt anyone or stumps their happiness  so you live through life and rely heavily on your music and imagination because you like distractions and you focus on the small things in the world that makes you smile to yourself like when you come home and your nephew  comes and runs to you and when you bend down to say hi he smiles and in a cheery child voice ask if you’re alright not cause your sad but those are the few words he knows, you smile at the elderly people who bowl every Tuesday and a little longer when the handicap ones are still do what they love, you smile on the inside when you go to poetry because it’s fun to go some were that makes you feel productive and you smile when you read a book to a song that matches the tone because you gain a small quiet secluded happy place.

Jason Carney